Chapter 3

Penny had not been annoyed because she, too, longed for more than just his embrace. But she had been hurt and Jeremy had known it.

"Look, baby" he tried to explain. "Please don't start thinking that I don't respect you anymore, or that I'm just out for some fun, or any damn fool thing like that. I'm serious about you —more serious than I have ever been in my life about any woman. I love you and I want you like hell. It's natural.. Just nature, that's all. Do you understand?"

Yes, Penny had understood, but she had withdrawn from his embrace, afraid that his ardor would overrule her self made barriers. She loved Jeremy desperately, wanting him as much as he wanted her, but deep down inside her she knew her heart's desire was more than an affair. She wanted a husband and children.

She tried to explain to him, leaving out any mention of marriage but Jeremy had not guessed at her feelings.

"A casual affair!" he had repeated. "Good lord, Penny. I'm not suggesting such a thing. That would be an insult. It's not just a night or two I want you... It's every night... Always"

"Always!" Penny had echoed, her heart soaring in happiness. "Then Jeremy, let's get married right away, tomorrow. I don't mind how soon...."

She left the sentence unfinished, seeing the expression on his face.

"I can't get married now," he said, avoiding her eyes. "You see, darling, I don't have the job I want yet. You know I don't want to work for my father. I am a strong believer in independence. Be beholden to no one is my motto. I want freedom, and independence is the only way to achieve it."

Freedom! The word sang in Penny's ears as she listened to the hiss of the gas under the kettle. Financial freedom or freedom from ties did he mean? She did not know what was in Jeremy's mind and she could not ask him. That was one of the penalties of being a woman. It was not for her to take the initiative and no one knew better than she did that if Jeremy wanted to marry her eventually he would ask her.

Penny poured the boiling water into the tea pot and carried the tray through to the sitting room.

'If only I were sure Jeremy would marry me one day, I would live with him now' she thought. 'If he would ask me to get engaged, then it would be alright. Lots of people believe in trying out marriage before they tie themselves up for life. It's possibly a good idea but..... '

Always there were 'buts'. Apart from her reluctance to live 'in sin' as it was commonly called. Penny knew that something else was stopping her. She was afraid. Yes, afraid that in drawing closer to Jeremy she would inevitably grow even more fonder of him than she was now... If that were possible. And she was sure it would be so.

She was also scared that he might get tired of her and leave her and then she would suffer in the same way, perhaps even more, than she had done when Howard had died.

Penny felt utterly exhausted by this prolonged fight between her reasoning powers and her emotions.

Her phone rang, startling Penny back to the immediate present. She knew it was Jeremy; so certain that it was he, that she let the phone ring. She did not want to speak to him now. She decided to be strong... Ignore the call. She longed desperately to hear his voice, but she did not want to listen in case he should ask her —outright —to live with him. She had reached no decision.

The phone rang three times... Then he didn't call again. Penny put her hot face in her hands —trembling with nerves, frantically sorry now for the strength she had shown.

Without looking at the phone she knew it was Jeremy. He had known that she intended returning to her flat after their lunch party, in order to do some work she had collected that morning.

But maybe it was Audrey. Audrey often came to stay with her sometimes and she usually called before she did.

Audrey Raines was Penny's best friend since high school. Audrey was two years older than Penny. She was unmarried and lived alone. She and Penny were different in character, in their tastes, in looks, but a strong tie of friendship bound them together.

Penny's first guess had been correct. It was Jeremy and not Audrey who had called. Soon —just after six o'clock, she heard him in the driveway.

She leaned out the window, her heart leaping as she saw him —all her grief, her despair vanishing —and waved to him. Nothing remained but her own dazzling crazy love for him.

"Can I come up?" Jeremy shouted.

She nodded.

A few minutes later, Jeremy came through the open doorway and gathered her into his arms.

"What on earth happened to you?" he asked. His lips covered hers before she could reply, his heart beat against her soft breast. "I have been worried stiff. You didn't pick up my call"

She lifted her face, eyes shut for his kisses.

"Damn it, darling, why didn't you pick up my calls?" he asked huskily, "Or were you out... Or Busy?"

Penny walked over to the table and chose a cigarette from the carved wooden box.

"No I wasn't," she said.

"Then why didn't you answer?" Jeremy persisted. "You are not sick.. Are you?"

"No! I was just.. Oh, I don't know. I can't think straight.. I feel frightful" she said, hiding her face against his shoulder.

"Haven't you made up your mind about us?" Jeremy asked, his voice softening.

"Not altogether" she whispered.

Jeremy moved to the sofa and pulled her down beside him. "Look here, darling," he said. "We've got to get this business straightened out and we can't until you tell me honestly what is bothering you. What is it? You shouldn't be afraid of tell me. I can take it"

She was glad that he smiled. It eased the tension.

"Should i? Should I tell him?" she thought. 'why not?'

"Jeremy, it isn't really my place to say this" she said aloud, "But you have asked me to speak out, so I will. It's that... I suppose every woman feels this way about the man she loves... It's just that I want to be sure —not of myself, but of you. So I want to get married first"