Chapter 3

 How to Forgive

"Now, explain," I urged him as we went to his study room and sat in his valuable chair where he usually sat.

Desmond creased his forehead. "Seraphim, do we really have to argue about this? This is just a trivial matter." He shrugged and looked away to get a book on the bookshelves.

That made my blood boil. "Trivial matter?" I slammed the desk, not making him flinch at it. "What an absurd statement! How can you return to your old self?! What on earth is happening to you?!"

Desmond approached me and was about to hold my face but I immediately distanced myself from him and shivered in disgust upon remembering what happened weeks ago. That way, I saw the pain registered in his eyes as he lowered his hand.

He sighed. "You are avoiding me whenever I would dare to even touch or hold you," he pointed out.

I averted my gaze, feeling guilty at that point. I tried my best not to avoid it but my body quickly made me move away from him.

I already guessed it was my wolf's will. Until now, she couldn't forgive what I saw back at Count Urba's estate.

I couldn't blame her and myself.

I cleared my throat. "Anyway, I am hoping not to hear this kind of casualties again, Desmond. I do not wish for you to repeat the history you have done before," I said softly as I sighed.

The history was he was too cruel to his pack members by enlisting them to the draft of the military training regardless of gender. Even the age of ten was already required to attend the drafting.

It only ceased to exist when I told him that I disagreed with this.

Desmond listened and changed the drafting requirements right away. He only allowed his pack members to attend training camps when they reached sixteen years of age.

And it is mandatory.

"I shall be going now. There is something I need to do," I said, not wanting to stay in the same place with my mate.

My wolf was getting furious. She wouldn't forget about Desmond that I caught him sleeping with a courtesan on the couch. I was too disgusted to see it again in my head.

I halted on my ground when I felt a pair of arms wrapped around my waist from behind. My eyes widened upon realizing that Desmond made a surprise move to catch me off guard.

"Seraphina..." My heart broke when his voice croaked. "You said that you forgive me... If you forgive me, then why are you distancing yourself away from me?"

"Desmond..." I was about to get away from his hold to turn at him but he wouldn't allow me.

He sniffed. Then I gasped softly when I felt my shoulder getting wet. That's when I realized Desmond placed his closed eyes on my bare shoulder.

And my husband was crying?!

"My seraphim... Do you hate me? Do you feel disgusted? Is that the reason why you do not want me to touch you anymore? You do not trust me? Please... Just tell me what you really feel."

I gritted my teeth as I felt my eyes sting. My heart was constricted because of this. "Cinnamon, please release me now," I said meekly.

But his hold tightened. "I don't like..." He frowned, sounding like a kid who had gone into tantrums. "I want to hear your thoughts. I want to hear them coming from you. I don't want to feel your feelings. I just want honesty from you."

Suddenly, my heart felt troubled. I even felt his feelings that my actions of keeping my real thoughts were hurting him.

"Cinnamon..." The spice of my life was Desmond. "Allow me to see you," I said softly.

He lessened, tightening his hold, enough for me to spin around to look at him. My heart broke for this man who was already crying.

He had never shown this vulnerable side to anyone except me, as his mate. It was why I said this before that behind his cold facade was the melancholy and lonely emotions he was hiding back then.

"Desmond..." I raised my hand to cup his cheek. He sniffed and looked at me with his teary eyes.

"Seraphim... Do you wish for me to stay in the guest's room because you cannot stand to stay beside me? I will... I will stay there. I just don't want you staying away from me. My wolf and I... are hurting." He knelt before me and hugged my waist. "Please... I know. I know you felt disgusted. I can feel what you are feeling and you can feel mine, too. What would you like me to do in order for you to trust me again, seraphim?"

Tears welled up in my eyes. "I..." I don't know what to say to him. It was hard... to trust my mate. I felt like I was being thrown into an abyss and there was no one there to save me.

Desmond buried his face in my stomach as he cried. "I cannot justify my actions. It is my fault that I fell for that scheme. I... I will kill him for making me suffer like this and taint my mate bond with you."

I sighed, feeling melancholy for this again. He would resort to violence. Again.

"Cinnamon." Desmond looked up to meet mine. I wiped his eyes using my hands. "Just... allow me to assess this. It is true that I am disgusted to allow you to touch me." His eyes widened. That hurt me when his amber eyes shone with pain. "You cannot make me forget about it. But... I am trying my best." I sniffed as I wiped my eyes using the sleeves of my dress. Then I smiled brightly. "Your seraphim will do her best to forget it."

Desmond stood up and cupped my face. "I have hurt you... I should have... I'm such an asshole to even—"

"Do not resort to violence..." I sighed. "Just allow me to assess this. I will do my best... I guess." I averted my gaze.

What was I thinking? Forget? Would I be able to forget that harlot who laid on top of my husband and slept on it?

"Seraphina." I snapped back and tilted my head. "If you hate me, just tell me. You can tell me all your feelings. It's valid. If I am hurting you so much, please tell me," he pleaded. "Just... Just do not stay away from me. It pains me."

I stared at his eyes. His eyes were dancing how he adored and cherished... how he loves me.

Do I really have to resort to distancing myself away from him?

My Mother Moon Goddess, what must I do?

Inhaling and exhaling, I intertwined our hands together causing Desmond to gasp softly. "Cinnamon..." I bit my lower lip as tears cascaded down my cheeks. "I hate feeling this way... Everytime I would lay my eyes on you and the time I saw you with that..." I couldn't continue my words.

"Yes, seraphim? Tell me. Tell me all your worries," Desmond said softly.

Sniffing, I looked up into his eyes. "I am hurt. My wolf and I are hurt by your actions. You do not know how much I want to forget that image of you being naked and..." I really didn't want to say it. "I had been hunted by it." Then I knelt to the floor when I couldn't take it anymore as I covered my face with my hands. "I was so hurt I wish I could run away from here. Desmond... It was eating me if I kept hiding this from you. I... I didn't even know how to even tell these suffocating thoughts that kept on replaying in mind." I clutched my hair. "I felt like I am going insane, I don't want to trust you ever again," I explained and broke down, crying.

"Seraphina!" I felt Desmond's hug. "Your reasons are valid! I understand you now, my seraphim."

I cried to my heart's content until I let out all the emotions I felt. Desmond was there... My husband was there with me listening to all my insecurities... the thoughts that were eating me. He never left me. Instead, he listened to them.

Albeit I knew that my words were hurting him, Desmond stayed by my side.

I couldn't help hugging him back and kissing him passionately. I vented out all my feelings that were meant for Desmond only.

My cinnamon...

At that moment, Desmond and I started to work things off. We returned from the top, trying to understand each other. We finally reached the conclusion that we should forgive and forget.

I did my best. I really did my best to forget those memories that kept interfering in my head. If I looked troubled, Desmond was always there for me to ease my thoughts.

I was humming bringing a tray of freshly brewed hibiscus tea and some cookies when I smiled remembering that I would see Desmond's smile if he saw me when I brewed his favorite tea drink. I had no servants with me because I want to be the one who must serve this to my dearest Desmond.

As I arrived at the front door, I was about to knock and mind link my husband when the door suddenly swung open.

There, I frowned and came to meet Hazel, Harvey's sister.

Hazel looked surprised to see me but then, she smiled sweetly. Then she curtsied before me. "Greetings, Luna Seraphina," she greeted me in her oh-so-sweet tone.

I nodded. "Hazel, long time no see," I said nonchalantly. "I didn't know you had returned to the pack until now."

She chuckled softly. "I have just arrived, Luna Seraphina. We have a two-week academic break. I have decided to return to the pack and present myself to Alpha Desmond as soon as I have arrived."

"Ah..." I uttered, uninterested. I secretly gnashed my teeth seeing her round brown eyes looking at me with a ridiculous stare. I was about to utter another word to tell that she should get out of my way when Desmond went out.

"Seraphim..." His face brightened up when he saw me.

I tilted my head, smiling at my husband. "I have brought you some snacks, cinnamon. I thought that you were already famished."

Desmond softened. "Come here, my Luna."

I glanced at Hazel arrogantly when I saw her huge frown sitting on her face before I sweetly smiled at Desmond. "Yes, my Alpha." I smirked at her and rolled my eyes when Desmond wasn't looking.

I caught her rolling her eyes before she turned her back when Desmond closed the door. At that moment, I felt victory.

When I looked at Desmond, he had a mischievous grin playing on his lips. "If looks could kill, Hazel would be dead by now," he uttered, chuckling.