Chapter 30

Because I know something bad is going to happen. It won't be voluntary on my part. Maybe not rape exactly, but knowing how you feel doesn't deliver me from my dilemma. I see myself in the movie; desperately trying to vacuum another man's seed from his balls on my wedding day. You'll never forgive me, Tanner. Never in a million years and no matter how much I will hate myself, I will do anything to keep this secret from you, even if it makes me do a thousand times worse. I'll keep my secret as long as possible, try to enjoy as much time with you as I can, but I'll be dead to you if you ever find out. Why couldn't you just forgive me, Tanner?

I look up at him again. "No particular reason. I just wanted to know how much you love me."

He laughed. "Women. Who can figure them out? See. My first answer was the best. I love you a bushel and a peck." He kissed me briefly and returned to his book.

I wanted to cry. I teare