Chapter 9

I hold the phone above my face and read his texts again, wanting his nearness through the only contact I’ve allowed. My heart constricts and twists inside of me. I devour the messages over and over, memorizing them until they are etched into my heart, absorbing the words, letting the slice of agony they cause dim. Trying to find calm in my chaos yet still being connected to him in some small way.

What do I say? I know he’ll come here at some point if I say nothing. Jake won’t sit back forever and wait. Do I even want him to come?

I don’t know if that’s what I want; my mind and body are at odds with one another, fighting a grand battle to the death. Self-preservation, PA Emma, telling me to keep him out, the new weaker me begging to let him come.

I sit up, take a deep breath, and wipe my face, steeling myself to do this, to do something. I don’t want him to sit suffering in my silence indefinitely, despite the pain he’s caused me. I can’t do that to him. I can’t kee