Chapter 1

SADIE

"One black coffee, please. No sugar." 

"Anything else?"

"No. That’ll be all." 

"Please, wait." 

I let out a sigh as I realized that this was not a good decision. I knew I shouldn't be here, fully aware of the consequences that awaited me. However, I couldn't shake this overpowering emotion. Despite my best efforts and countless attempts, it persisted. It was a presence that I could sense but never grasp, similar to a distant breeze. At times, it was soothing and comforting, but more often than not, it was destructive and chaotic like a ravaging storm, obliterating any semblance of emotions I tried to hold onto, forcing me to endure.

However, today I was experiencing a sense of restlessness. The mirror's reflection confirmed this, displaying my pale complexion, disheveled appearance, and signs of trauma - evident through my fidgeting fingers and shaky breath. The thoughts that had accumulated over the past few months overwhelmed my mind, suffocating me and trapping me in a self-created, agonizing state filled with misery and anxiety.

For several months, I have been unable to ignore my anxiety. However, today it feels slightly altered, possibly due to the prolonged duration of seeing him. Although I am aware that none of this was my fault, I shouldn't be feeling such intense anxiety. Nevertheless, there was an overwhelming sensation within me that is consuming and distressing.

"Your coffee, ma'am."

Despite being aware that I shouldn't dwell on it, as it belonged to my past, it proved challenging to erase from my thoughts since my mind was trapped in that moment. Each passing day only intensified the inner turmoil, making it harder to let go. I wasn't merely crumbling; I was irreparably shattered. In an attempt to find solace, I sought any activity that could temporarily revive my senses and provide a fleeting sense of liberation. And I had tried to distract myself with anything that would make me feel alive, free, even for just a brief moment.

"Ma'am?"

I jerked with a suddenness as someone tapped my shoulder only to find the waitress from earlier standing beside the table with a coffee mug in her hand.

"I-umm," I cleared my throat uncomfortably. 

"Thank you." With shaking hands, I tried to grab the mug but just like my life, they weren't stable either. The mug shook in my hands and before I could place it down, the mug slipped through my trembling fingers. 

Before it could spill all over me I was yanked back and the mug met the ceramic floor crashing into pieces with coffee spilling all over.

But that wasn't what worried me. No.

I could sense the hands encircling my waist, the pressure of a chest against mine, the aroma of his body resembling tangerines, and the sensation of his muscles against my back. Without needing to turn around, I already knew his identity. It unsettled me how intimately acquainted my body had become with his. I desired to expunge the familiarity of his physique from my thoughts.

Silvio would be so disappointed in me if he knew what I carved my life into, how I had destroyed both of our lives. But now it was too late. He would never see me know what I had become for now all my life was immersed in my misery, without a care, without love.

"You're early, again."

The curiosity in his tone greets me the second I pulled myself away from his embrace. A long sigh escaped his lips as I placed my hands on the table, leaning against it, I tried to calm my raging heart.

"I’m so sorry for the trouble. I’ll clean this up. You can use that table for now," the waitress pointed towards the other side where there were fewer people and more space for only the two of us. I never liked that side of this restaurant. It made me feel trapped. I barely looked her way before walking towards the table. My mind was so occupied, I felt too overwhelmed suddenly in a way that made me anxious. How long would this take, for this feeling to fade away?

I shivered, my fists clenching on my sides the moment his hand found the small of my waist. His touch always left a confining feel, reminding me again and again. 

“Sit here, I’ll order something for you.” I gulped. What was the point of ordering when I wasn’t going to touch anything in his presence? Not only my mind but my thoughts were also corrupted. 

I shook my head, pulling myself cautiously away from his touch. 

“I do not need anything. Why're you here?” My question must have taken him by surprise cause he just frowned and narrowed his eyes at me. His face had confusion written all over it, he couldn’t understand why I was behaving this way. His dark eyes represented unnerving mountains of death, with jade green surrounding the rim, and he looked mesmerising. But my eyes had stopped handsomely seeing him. He was scary, despite his sweet and comforting words. 

And then with a swift motion, his brows were levelled and he sat. 

“I don’t understand. I’m doing everything. I’m giving you everything. The money, the leverages, the freedom. Why must you be so hostile to me?” He argued and I swallowed. 

Here we go again.

“I don’t want any of these. Just leave me alone.” I knew his next words.

I can not do that. 

“I will not do that.” 

I clenched my teeth in frustration as I couldn't comprehend why he was treating me this way. The events that occurred seven months ago were not my responsibility, so why was I facing punishment for them?

“I can not live like this. This isn’t who I am.” I mumbled quietly. In the name of freedom, Silas had stripped me of my self-esteem. I’ve lost my family, my friends, my career and my freedom. 

My gut twisted with nausea as my headache intensified. 

“Sadie…” his deep, softly accented voice almost sounded like the words of comfort. “We’ll work this out, love. I promise. I’m not as bad as you’re imagining me to be.” 

It must’ve been nice hearing the words but I knew better. These were some words he said when he abducted me. Seven months I had spent thinking maybe one day, one day I’d be able to breathe a gulp of free air. Luxuries and his money mattered to no extent, cause that lonely apartment was anything but comforting. It was cold there, a constant reminder of my misery. He stripped me of my career. The thing I loved to do the most, Silas took everything away. 

“Why’re you here?” I avoided his words knowing they were nothing just empty promises. When he brought me to London, there were some rules he forced upon me. His father was still oblivious to me being alive and Silas had done everything in his power to keep it that way. He’d visit me twice a month, spending his day or two with me, in the apartment and giving me false hope that everything was alright. His departure would contain two threats; Behave like a good girl and never speak of Silvio in front of him. 

His eyes darkened with a twitch of his jaw. He did not like me talking like this to him. 

“There’re few things you need to understand, Cara Mia,” Silas held my gaze. Fierce and intimidating. “You’re under my protection now.”

“I get it.” I looked unconsciously at the mug of coffee in my hand, steam coming off the black coffee. With my eyes closed eyes, I let out a heavy sigh. One that could be felt through my entire body–while trembling hands held onto the mug to make Silas not notice the shiver. 

“No, you don’t. When you’re with me, I want your whole attention. I want to make things right between us. Remember your promise,” his voice was rough, thick with emotion as he leaned and brushed the stray strand of the hair behind my ear. 

“I remember it.” My breaths were shallow. Thoughts scattered and my chest was agonisingly tight. Yet each time I tried to breathe, it hurt, like the air around me was too tense. 

“Good. Come let’s go home.” His smile lacked any sense of amusement. His dark gaze darkened further as I remained seated on my chair. Silas gained the attention of passers while he slid his chair back and stood to his tall height. Intimidating and domineering. I finished my coffee and he waited patiently for me. My time with Silas–was already making all the memories I made with Silvio fade. But a scary interlude in this new life of mine. 

A life that was becoming more surreal with each day that passed. I waited for the painful bite of self-hatred, but all I felt was weary capitulation. 

When I was down, Silas paid with a generous tip and we walked out. The chilled breeze froze my hands and I cursed not wearing anything warmer for the day. 

“I will stay with you for a while now.”

“W-Why all of sudden?”

“I have some business to take care of. Do you want me to go?” It was not a question, although he put it as one, it wasn’t. It never was. Silas stopped me with his hand on my wrist as he halted my steps and pulled me to his chest. My hands rested on his wrist and I looked at him. 

“I-I mean…” I stammered at the closeness. Silas smirked, placing his hand under my chin and tilting it to his face. Oblivious to people walking around us, Silas ran his thumb on my chin, evoking goosebumps on my skin. 

“What do you mean, sweetheart?”

“Nothing.” My roughed voice was strangely tensed. 

“Hmm…come.”

We came to a halt and I noticed that we had arrived at a black car. Letting go of my wrist, he gently brushed my cheek with his large, calloused hand, speaking in a tender voice.

“Come, let’s go home.” He pulled out the keys from his pocket and opened the passenger door for me. 

Silas was driving, and I was unmoving. He handled the driving like he handled my life this past few months–with control–calm and Lear hal competence. My chest squeezed as I watched him pull out of the parking slot. My mind was racing. Silas had never overstated his visit. He’d come to see me, and that’s it, the next moment he would be gone. I gathered my running thoughts and glanced at his strongly etched side profile. His face is as handsome as I first remember colliding with him in the restroom, with high cheekbones and light stubble covering his sharp jaw. I caught a glimmer of his dark brown eyes, and the scar under his ear. 

When he parked in front of the building I’ve been staying for the last six months, Silas walked around and opened the door for me, taking my hand and helping me out of the car. His grip was both tender and possessive. 

We walked into the building just as a couple walked out. The woman smiled and mumbled greetings. We weren’t close just shared a few pleasantries now and then. Silas was patient and concerned as he led us to the elevator. Throughout the distance we covered to the apartment Silas had gifted me, I remained quiet and cautious. Whom was I kidding? Me being cautious wouldn’t change anything. 

“I-I’ll order dinner for you-“ I mumbled remembering there was nothing in the fridge. The closest convenience store was within twenty minutes of walking distance. My breathing grew as Silas stepped forward, purposely pressing his chest against my back as I felt his heat seeping through me. My palms dampened as I fumbled through the keys. 

He took the keys from my unwavering hands and opened the door before lightly pushing me inside. The darkness of my apartment engulfed us while he turned the switch on. 

“No,” I heard the click of the lock and I turned to face him, heart hammering as he looked down at me with the familiar hunger I had seen in his eyes several times. “Tonight, I want you to make something for me.” 

“I’m not very good-“ he placed his finger over my lips, every chiselled muscle of his face taut and the five-clock shadow of his face illuminated in the light, highlighting the high bridge of his nose and cheekbones. Silas had never touched me without my permission, yet I was scared that he’d change this fact soon. 

“I’ll eat it, whatever you make.” 

“A-alright.”

Silas walked into my shower after ordering to make something for himself. As I said earlier, there was nothing much groceries, but there were a few eggs and uncooked pasta in the cabinet. I started boiling the water and added a tablespoon of olive oil and salt to the water. Adding pasta, I waited for it to soften as I started preparing eggs for him. Despite my thoughts being scattered, I managed to make cheese pasta and scrambled eggs for him. 

Silas was in the shower for the last few minutes now and by the time I had placed the food on the table, he wasn’t out yet. Gulping down my anxiousness, I walked into the only bedroom and was about to knock on the bathroom door when it opened. 

Silas stepped outside rubbing his hair with my towel, wet strands falling over his forehead making him look younger. His naked torso was in front of my eyes and his lower portion is covered with another towel. My gaze lingered over his chest for more than a few seconds when I heard him chuckle. My embarrassment flooded to ni th cloud and I immediately turned around rubbing my face with my hands as I stammered with shyness. 

“I-I’m sorry I did–what are you doing?!” My voice came out as a shriek as I felt him circling his strong arm around my torso and he easily picked me up. My eyes widened with shock as I grabbed his wrist. Just when I was about to shout he turned me around and caged me between his chest and the door of the bathroom. His deep voice was like the ocean’s depth. His gaze travelled from my mouth to the cleavage of my dress. 

“Why are you so adamant about pushing me away, Sadie?”

“Y-You promised you’d never force me.” 

“I regret making that promise to you.” His voice was soft and firm almost unrealistic. Yet his expressions noticeably darkened. His hand reached out for my face again, caressing my cheeks with the pad of his thumb. His gaze dropped to my mouth as he licked his lips. 

“I regret everything. The moment I laid my eyes on you, the moment I realise what love is, the moment love took a shape of a woman,” his harsh expressions ease slightly. My heart was beating in an audible rhythm and my palms were sweating even though I tell myself Silas wouldn’t hurt me. But when he opened his mouth, his words strike harder than I imagined. “you.”

“Silas-“ his eyes narrowed dangerously. Taking my trembling hand with his other hand he placed it over his chest right above where the heart was supposed to be. My head snapped to him and I gulped. 

“Shh…listen, feel it. Can you feel it hammering? It happens, every time I see you. I may not be the best man for you, but I’ll try to be the best version of myself, only for you.” 

“SIL-“ He forcefully pressed his lips onto mine, firmly holding both sides of my face and pulling me close to his chest. It wasn't a passionate kiss, but rather a gentler one without the use of tongues, only feeling the texture of his lips as he moaned with contentment, as if someone had been given water in a deserted place. With disdain.

“Just like I imagined, sweet and innocent.” He chuckled softly placing his forehead against mine and I trembled more and more. 

“You can-“ 

“Every time you reject me, I’ll kiss you.” I looked at him. Was he joking? He couldn’t just expose his feelings like this when I was at my vulnerable. He needed to understand there was no future for us. If Silvio know, he would come for us, and we both would face his wrath. 

“Silas-“ he was on me before I could utter a word. His big hands framed my face as he backed me against the door. This time his mouth slanted greedily against mine as his arm wrapped around my waist pulling me flush to his chest. His kiss is full of lust and wants that he had suppressed all these months. 

“I’m starting to think you like me too.” He mumbled when he pulled away and I breathed heavily. What were we doing? 

“We can-“ I opened my mouth to speak but shut it. 

“Fuck! Don’t tempt me like this, baby. It gets so hard for me to control.” I felt Silas groan and nuzzle his head into my neck. His embrace grew stronger, mirroring the tightening in my heart. Tears threatened as I closed my eyes, struggling to hold them back. The man I was in love with would never be mine, and the man who loved me would never regain his emotions.

“D-Dinner is getting cold.” So, I decided not to push it and mumbled holding my tears at bay. 

“Hmm…”