Chapter 4

POV: Jaewon

I didn’t want to have to listen to her, but my mother stood up and left before I could even respond. She went to the apartment balcony, giving Ji-a the privacy she wanted. Unable to face her, as I remembered the moments from the previous day, especially the excitement I felt at the thought of becoming a father for the first time, I only noticed her sitting next to me, playing with her fingers in silence.

“I am ashamed,” she begins. “I’m sorry for all of this; you didn’t deserve it.”

I humorlessly laugh, still not responding. My heart races, but I try to stay calm.

“Namsoo is okay,” she dares to say. “He had small cuts on his chin, nose, earlobe, and eyebrow, but no teeth were broken.”

“Are you thanking me for leaving your lover with the beautiful smile you probably adore?”

“I’m saying that you could have been arrested! Namsoo wouldn’t even need to report; the doorman saw you leaving with your hands covered in blood.”

“Let them arrest me. I just won’t apologize. You both wronged me, and he deserved much more.”

Ji-a sighed. “I’m sorry I ruined your friendship.”

“I’m sorry I interfered in your relationship,” I mock.

“We didn’t have a relationship. When I met you, I felt nothing for him anymore.”

“I noticed how true that is…”

“I swear. What was happening was just something that happened sometimes. I never wanted to deceive you, but I felt lonely, and he…”

I looked at her in disgust. “Lonely? Are you really saying that to me?”

“I wasn’t to blame for feeling that way…”

I got up from the sofa, feeling uneasy staying just next to her. “You are a traitor,” I say. “A liar, a fake, disloyal… I gave myself entirely to you, Ji-a, and all you did was trample on me. You coldly deceived me. Made me believe I would be a father when, in fact, I wouldn’t be anything. Do you know how painful this is for me? Do you know what it’s like to imagine that I would have a child, and hours later find out that the one who will really have it is the person I considered a brother? Can you imagine how you both stepped on me and humiliated me? How you took absolutely everything from me?!”

“Jaewon, we both can…”

“No,” I stood up and stepped back. “Just leave already.”

“But my sisters haven’t arrived yet.”

“You can wait for them downstairs.”

“I can’t carry all this alone. I’m still pregnant.”

I would really like to say a beautiful “fuck you” at this exact moment, but I am not a monster. I approached the suitcases, not caring about the pain still lingering in my hands, and picked them all up at once. Ji-a looked at me sadly, but she walked to the door and opened it. In the elevator, silence was absolute. And when I finally could leave the suitcases and her at the reception, I felt the same wreck as the night before, but I knew I was doing the best for myself.

“It can still be yours,” I heard her say. I was already far away, ready to go back to the elevator and bury myself back under the covers. But her sentence made me stop and look at her. Ji-a walked up to me and held the metal doors. “The baby… it can still be yours.”

I felt rage overcoming me. She must be kidding me. I turned away again, pressing the elevator button multiple times. When the doors finally opened, I entered and looked at her. Ji-a walked up to me and held the metal doors.

“I’m telling the truth.”

“I’m trying not to be rude to you, so please stop blocking the door.”

Still with her foot preventing the doors from closing, she searched her pocket for something and handed it to me.

“What is this?” I asked with disgust. I didn’t open the paper; depending on the answer, I wouldn’t even open it.

“It’s my first ultrasound. I didn’t find out about the pregnancy yesterday; I just didn’t have confirmation yet. But yesterday… while I was at the hospital with Namsoo, I… asked to do the ultrasound, pretending I was in severe pain. Here’s the confirmation, Jaewon. I’m three weeks and six days pregnant, so… the baby can still be yours.”

“Is this some trick to get me back with you? Because if it is, forget it. I’m giving up on us, Ji-a.”

“No, it’s not… I know I messed up, and you said I was the biggest monster of all for making you believe that, so…”

“Did you even have that doubt? Are you really telling me that you thought this baby could be mine?”

Ji-a once again lowers her eyes; I don’t even need answers. “I believe it’s Namsoo’s. We… I felt some nausea about eight weeks ago and was already on alert, so I wanted… you and I to try again. I was just scared.”

I don’t even have anything to say. Seeing her lift her sad eyes to me and show that she wants to cry only makes me sadder.

“You’re a very bad person,” I say, watching as my voice also becomes choked. “But I really hope you’ll be happy someday. This baby deserves to be happy, so at least for him… be a better person.”

I decided to climb the stairs; I didn’t care about the countless flights of stairs. I just wanted to get home quickly and collapse into my own chaos.

But when I finally arrived where I wanted, it was in my mother’s arms that I collapsed. I cried again, letting myself sob. She just caressed my hair and cradled me; I was sure she was also feeling sorry for me.

“Are you hungry?” she asked when I finally stopped crying and just stared into space. “I’ll prepare something for you to eat; go take a shower.”

I presumed I didn’t smell good. I headed to my room, choosing to take a shower in the ensuite, and stopped to look at the almost empty cabinets. All of Ji-a’s clothes had been taken, but only one piece was there, conspicuously placed for me. I scoffed, going towards the small red lace panties she left and threw them in the bathroom trash.

I took off my shirt, then my pants, and saw the ultrasound fall. The paper was well folded, so I knew that to get rid of it without seeing the content, I just had to throw it in the trash as well. But my damn heart started racing again. I reached for it, unfolding it slowly, and sat on the toilet lid, panting softly when I saw the tiny images. It wouldn’t be possible to understand what was actually a baby there if there wasn’t a tiny arrow pointing to a little blob with “baby” just below.

“It’s so small,” I whispered, letting my emotions overflow when the first tear fell.

My thumb wandered over the black and white photo, and again, I had to take a deep breath. I really wanted to be the father this baby would have when it was born. But I wouldn’t be, and I needed to accept that as quickly as possible. I crumpled the paper between my fingers and threw it in the bathroom corner. I undressed, trying to push away from my mind everything that had happened and let the sound of the water take me away from reality when I closed my eyes.

Clean and dressed, I laughed softly when I found my mother heating up the leftover pasta from the previous night. I sat at the table, and I saw her serving two plates. In silence, I started eating without looking at her. But I knew the mother I had, and she wouldn’t be fine until she knew every detail of what had happened.

“Ji-a is really pregnant?” she asked as if she didn’t want anything. I looked at her and mumbled positively. “And it’s your best friend’s?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Mom.”

“Oh, okay…” she remained silent for ten seconds. “But how could she do this to you, dear? That…”

“Mom…” I asked with my mouth full. “Not now.”

She nodded again, this time leaving me really alone. After I finally ate, I just wanted to go back to bed, but with my mother at home, that was impossible. She always found something to do, whether it was cleaning the floor or dusting where there wasn’t even dust. But she couldn’t sit still.

“My little one needs something?” she asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

I looked at her and nodded. “I need to be alone a little longer, Mom.”

She sighed and nodded. “Okay, but if you need anything else, call me, and I’ll come flying, okay?”

I nodded and said goodbye, finally relieved that I didn’t have to worry about looking too depressed; now, I could die of sadness alone. As if…