Chapter 4

Holding the envelope containing the payment, Lucy kept her eyes fixed on the car window as they drove back to the university.

Yugjae was as quiet as the girl. His hands were sweaty, his feet swayed slowly, and his heart raced since the moment he thought about kissing her. His mind was boiling.

The taxi stopped. Yugjae paid the fare, and both walked in silence, which made everything even worse.

In the dorm room, Lucy took off her shoes and sat on the bed, staring at the floor while she watched Yugjae do the same.

Quiet and silent, their minds were in disarray. Yugjae looked at her, noticing how she still remained.

"Lucy, I..." he began, but she closed her eyes, listening to him take a deep breath.

She opened her eyes when she heard Yugjae's steps and was startled when the boy sat in front of her.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, looking into her eyes.

The girl took her time to meet his gaze as well.

"Yugjae... I have a boyfriend," she said, trembling. "And I love him."

"I know, it's just... I didn't want to try that like this, I mean... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me."

Yugjae reached for her hands, holding them firmly.

Lucy looked at their joined hands and felt her heart ache.

She hated being a mess. She hated being who she was.

"Yugjae..." she called him softly, mustering the courage to look at him. "I messed up with you. I messed up with myself and my boyfriend. I... I like you, which is confusing because I really do like you, but I don't love you."

"You like me?"

"I do, I like you a lot... but it shouldn't be like this, you understand?"

"But you like me! I like you too."

"But it's not supposed to be like this, it's not what I... what I want."

The boy bit his lip, feeling his chest being crushed. "I created a mess, I know."

"I created it," Lucy denied, taking a deep breath, releasing his fingers, and rubbing her face. "I have a boyfriend, I shouldn't even think of you like this. But I've always been a lie, and I didn't even choose. I lied my whole life about who I was to everyone, now I'm lying to myself. I'm not trustworthy, I shouldn't create this with you, I'm a monster! A liar!"

Tears streamed down her face without order. Yugjae regretted, the last thing he should do was cause her tears when he was in love with her. He touched her hand again, slowly, and got closer. Lucy shouldn't blame herself, but the girl was crying loudly, so he had to hug her, feeling her body shake and her tears wet his shirt, not caring about anything, just wanting it to stop.

"I... I'll stop this," he said, holding her tighter. "Don't cry because of me."

"It's not you, it's me," she said between sobs. She pulled away, looking at him with tear-streaked cheeks. "I need to call... call him."

Yugjae sighed, wiping her round cheeks.

"I'll call your best friend, okay? Just don't... don't do anything reckless because of me. This will pass, I'll try to make it pass. But seeing you cry, it's breaking my heart, and if you cry, it's because you don't want this. I don't want to be your tears, I wanted to be your laughter. And if someone else is already, then I need to step back."

"I'm sorry," she begged, crying, wiping more tears away. "I'm sorry for all of this. I'm sorry... sorry."

Yugjae denied, wiping her cheeks again. He got closer, kissing her forehead, sighing as he did. "I'll call Jaesun, okay?"

Lucy nodded, feeling Yugjae's fingers still on her face. The boy kissed her forehead again, a lingering one. He looked into her eyes, seeing him stand up and leave, going to Jaesun's room.

***

Lying within Kim Jaesun's embrace, while feeling him stroke her hair, in the silence that was only broken by her sniffles, Lucy felt truly empty.

She thought about a thousand things at once, but the main one was how much of a lie she was, nurturing feelings for two men when she swore to love only one.

"He doesn't deserve this," she whispered to her friend, curling up even more. "Ryeon trusts me."

"You didn't break his trust, my love," he comforted her gently, sighing. "You were just confused, maybe lonely. I know it scares you, but having someone who treats you well, who takes care of you and makes you smile, it's good. You didn't choose to feel this."

"But I should have stopped when it started. But, I liked it. I still like it, and that's wrong. I need to tell him, I need to talk to Ryeon that I'm not trustworthy.

"So, are you going to give up on all those things you planned from the beginning? Lu, you've been dating for seven months, and eighty percent of that time you've been apart. It's normal to feel lonely. You only had here the care that Ryeon would give you there.

"But do you think it's right to feel this way?

"But you didn't choose it. You shouldn't give up on the future you planned together. For God's sake, Lucy, he loves you, and you love him. Passions will always happen, you just have to fight against them, not against love.

"If we love someone, there shouldn't be a second one."

"The heart and the body are separated when the brain controls the feelings, Lu. I know you think feeling this way is wrong, but what would be wrong is wanting to keep feeling it, and not processing it so much that you can only cry. You discovered what it's like to be desired, touched, and kissed by a man, and you did it freely. You came here full of fears, and you managed to break each one of them. And then Yugjae appeared. Handsome, polite, with enough money to buy you a sea of coffee, and..." he sighed, smiling, resting his chin on her head. "and he treated you the way you should have been treated your whole life, but, due to fate's mistake, he couldn't because you lived hidden, trapped in yourself, like a bird in a cage, unable to fly. But Lu, look at you now, you're flying, and you're flying higher and higher. Don't blame yourself for wanting affection, for allowing him to give it to you. But don't give up on what you love. Don't give up because if you do, it will hurt even more."

Remaining quiet, with her face against her best friend's chest, Lucy listened to each of those words, smiling slightly in the end.

"I need to rest," she spoke softly, taking a deep breath. "I need to sleep a bit."

"Sleep. I'll stay here with you."

"Thank you, Jaesun... thank you," she hugged him.

Jaesun smiled, hugging her even tighter.

Silence dominated the room. Even Yugjae took advantage of it to rest; his day had been long.

Lucy yawned, deciding in the end that she would sleep a bit, but her sleep was interrupted when her phone vibrated, indicating a new message, and the screen lit up, showing the name of the sender.

She grabbed it, unlocking the phone, and stared at the screen for endless seconds, taking deep breaths to avoid crying, but failing, sobbing, startling Yugjae before bursting into tears again.

"What's wrong?" Jaesun asked.

The girl trembled, denying, feeling like a great liar.

Jaesun frowned and took her phone. He immediately saw the reason for it.

Ryeon: "I was thinking about you today, so I'm a hundred times more homesick. I can't wait to see you, my love. I hope these two weeks pass quickly; I'm dying to kiss you. Take care, I love you."

He returned the phone, leaving it aside.

"Don't torment yourself like this. You love each other, that's what matters."

Lucy denied. Denied vehemently. Love meant being truthful. And she needed to be.

"I'll tell him," she reached for the phone, unlocking it.

"If you want to tell him, tell him," Jaesun took the phone. "But not through a message. Wait these two weeks. When you meet, you can talk calmly, without crying so much, okay?"

"In two weeks?"

"Exactly. I'll ask Yugjae to switch rooms with me, screw the dorm manager, she doesn't need to know."

"No, Yugjae doesn't need to change his life because of me."

"So, are you going to leave this weird thing here? He was crying too, Lu. It hurts him, just like it hurts you. He's being denied, do you understand?"

Lucy hugged her legs, embracing them.

"I want to sleep."

Jaesun sighed, embracing her again.

He stroked her short hair and lamented. Everything around the girl's life was crumbling, and even the good things were gradually disappearing.

It hurt him to see her crying like that. Lucy had already been through so much, cried so much on his shoulder. He wanted to see her happy, but in the end, she was crying on his shoulder once again.

"Everything will be fine," he whispered, without any assurance, just to make her rest. "Everything will be fine, I promise."