Chapter 4

I hate being confused, but this time I'm not even at fault.

After my unusual birthday, and of course, after my first kiss with A MAN, my head isn't functioning normally at all.

I spent hours during the night pondering how I gathered the courage to kiss a man in front of everyone, and worse yet, how much I enjoyed it.

I keep wondering if I'm actually gay.

Or whatever term best defines my sexuality, because I do think I still feel attracted to women, but I can't forget the blond guy even for a second.

After Hyun-suk kissed me and pulled me that way right in the middle of a club, I couldn't even forget about him for hours afterward.

I put his card in the bottom drawer of my wardrobe, alongside my pink monstrosity, convinced I'd never pick it up again. Yet, even today, a day after my first kiss – or more precisely, just a few hours after – I open the drawer and stare at them side by side.

But it's frustrating because I really don't know what to do.

I think I don't want to call the number on that card, but I'm curious to know what he could teach me. I mean, what the hell could it be?

Maybe it's nonsense, because I'm dying to call him, I just don't want to admit it.

I really liked the blond guy, and I admit I also wanted to kiss him more, but how can I say that out loud when I'm in this mess?

And with this confusion, here I am, sitting at the edge of my bed, staring at the pink dildo and looking at the card with the name and number of the blond guy shining beside it.

Should I call?

But what will people think if I pursue a man who clearly wants to do things with me?

I shouldn't even worry about it, that's what my friends always say and even do, but it's complicated for me because I simply don't know what to do.

So, utterly tangled in my thoughts, I put on my dreadful and hot work uniform and descend the few steps from my room to the living room.

My house is still filled with hungover people all around, but at least Minah woke up before everyone else and is now making coffee while Yejun is dozing off sitting at the table.

"Good morning," I say, grabbing my cup and placing it next to the one my friend was already filling with coffee for herself.

"Good morning. Are you going to work already?"

"Do I have a choice?" I yawn, still sleepy, and pick up the cup now filled. "My slave journey awaits me."

She laughs, but I really am almost like a slave when I have to work for a salary that doesn't even cover my monthly bills.

As I try to pass by two creatures still sleeping in the middle of my living room, I stumble over one, and I have to juggle to not spill my coffee.

"Oh fuck, where are your eyes?" Taeshin says, getting up, visibly irritated. "You're going to step on me, you asshole!"

"For heaven's sake, shut up!" Jackson shouts and embraces Rini, who is beside him. "You assholes!"

"Please, I would greatly appreciate it if all of you could just fuck off, alright?" I calmly request, sitting on my couch.

"And so the day begins..." Yejun grumbles, his voice heavy with sleep.

"And why don't you?" Taeshin returns to the living room, after using the only bathroom in the house, which is located in my room. He looks at me with his face still swollen, but I just smile, sipping more of my coffee. "What's that?" he points at my cup.

"Coffee."

"Can you give me a little? I have a headache, caffeine helps me."

"Go get it yourself, Minah made some." I say, watching him head to the kitchen.

Jackson snorts, annoyed by the noise, and gets up, shoving Rini aside, who just rolls over and continues lying there with her eyes closed.

I finish all my coffee, and look at the clock on my wrist. It's almost ten in the morning, the time I need to be at work, but I'm not in a hurry, the convenience store where I work is just around the corner from where I live.

Leaving all those intruders nestled in my small house, I leave, adjusting my ID badge over the vest I'm wearing, and twirl the keys between my fingers.

The journey is short, but I still cheerfully greet my elderly neighbor, who wakes up earlier than all of Korea just to gossip about other people's lives.

A few minutes go by, maybe not even two, and here I am, crouched down, unlocking the padlock on the roll-up door that secures the premises.

I open the door, step inside, and head straight to the power switch to turn everything on, then grab the broom and finally attempt to make this place, which looks more like a cave, somewhat presentable.

I still feel my head throbbing, and this is surely the result of all the tasty beers I had yesterday, but nothing a painkiller can't fix.

After getting everything in order – or attempting to – I head behind the counter where I'll spend my next relentless ten hours of the day. It's always like this; I've even grown accustomed to it because I've been working at the same place for about ten months, right after finishing high school.

Initially, I thought that coming to Seoul right after finishing school in Busan, I'd find something to do and have a future. But I guess that's something that's still quite muddled in my mind because nothing has become clear enough so far about what I should do to really have a future.

So, I'm still waiting for my mind to shine one day – if it ever will – and maybe guide me in the right direction.

But in the meantime, I'm just following what Taeshin instructed me to do.

Breathe and don't freak out.

I hear the bell on the entrance door chime, and I shift my attention from my phone to whoever has walked in.

It's a group of teenagers, and as always, they rush over to the section with bags of chips. I tuck my phone into my pocket and stand up.

"Good morning," I greet as they stop in front of the cash register.

"Good morning," one of them replies, leaving the bags of chips there. I begin to do my job, scanning each of their items.

"It's seven thousand won," I say.

"Alright, but, uh... Do you sell cigarettes?"

I simply looked at him for a few brief seconds and nodded toward the area behind me with my chin.

"Could you sell me a pack?"

I meet the kid's eyes. I'm sure if he could beg with clasped hands, he would do it without even thinking. But it's clear he's feeling shy.

"Can I see your ID?" I ask, as is customary. He's probably around fourteen or maybe fifteen, but still, I need to ask, even though my strongest urge is to kick all of them out together and send them back to school, where they're definitely skipping class right now.

"Um... I didn't bring it," he says with a lopsided smile, as if I'm some kind of idiot.

"Unfortunately, I can only sell to those with ID," I say, sighing. "But the chips come to seven thousand won."

I see him nod and, looking downcast, he pays for the chips. He heads out, and all the others grumble as if they really wanted to curse me.

I know well that they wanted only the cigarettes; the chips were just a cover. I've done that before too.

I mean, not smoking, but trying to buy cigarettes for my classmates back in high school. It never worked out – thankfully – and I'd always get cursed at when I got rejected.

I still watch the group through the transparent glass and even chuckle a bit at how dejected they look; it's funny. But then I see a black car pull up in front of the store, and my laughter dies instantly.

I try to play it cool when I glance, but I'm pretty sure I look just like my nosy neighbor right now. It's a luxury car; definitely someone rich or important is inside.

However, I'm surprised when the car window rolls down, and Taeshin's audacious face appears with a grin from ear to ear.

"Jae!" the jerk shouts.

I furrow my brow, utterly confused about why the hell Taeshin is inside that car, but I walk up to him and give him a scrutinizing look.

"Your keys," he says, holding them up through the window. "Minah and Rini already left, and Jackson wanted me to tell you that he took your favorite sweatshirt set because it was the only one without a hole."

"He did what?" I shout, utterly furious. "That son of a cow!"

Taeshin laughs loudly, but again he jiggles the keys.

"Come on, grab them already; I gotta go."

I step closer to take them, but once again, I try to hide it when I look inside the dark car, attempting to see who's driving it.

I'm taken aback when I see the same man from the previous night in there, and he still sends me a smile and a wave.

"You're the one who kissed Hyun-Suk last night, right?" he asks, incredibly nonchalant. "Kang's flower...," and he chuckles, while I'm left silent in embarrassment.

FLOWER? What the hell flower is he talking about?

"I and Hanguk heard him speak very highly of you when we got back home, just so you know."

I search for a hole to crawl into and find none.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say, taking the keys from Taeshin and turning away quickly. "Goodbye, Tae."

I rush into the convenience store and still hear Taeshin's wicked laughter echoing.

If my mind was already completely confused and jumbled, imagine it now. I didn't even know what to think about what that man had just said, but only one thing came to mind. So, feeling disoriented by everything, I fumbled for my phone and called the first person on my favorites list.

It only took a few seconds for him to answer. I heard Jackson's boisterous laughter even before I said anything, but he obviously knew why I was calling.

"I'm gonna punch you in the face!" I shout, remembering that he has my favorite sweatshirt set.

"My holy glitter, why are you yelling?"

"Why, Jackson? Do you really want to know?"

"If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked."

"My brand-new sweatshirt set, you spawn of the devil!"

"You should respect me; I'm the ruler, and you're the subject."

"Seriously, Jackson, for the love of God! It's my favorite sweatshirt set!"

"Is all this fuss for that cheap promo set?" he laughs.

"Promo your ass; it's a branded one!"

"Want a new one? I can buy you two if you want."

"I want one, but I want you to give me back this one. I also want you to help me with something..."

My tone obviously changes, because I obviously remember Hyun-Suk. I sigh.

"Can you?" I leave a lopsided smile hanging in the air, even though there's no one else in the store.

"What's it about? If it's about men, fashion, or money, it's fine. Other things, I'm sorry, I'm busy."

"So... Do you remember the guy Taeshin hooked up with at the club yesterday?"

"Boy, you won't believe it!" I hear him talking, and just from the gossip tone, I hurry behind the counter and sit back down. "Can you believe that audacious gay guy went out with Hajun?"

"I saw the two of them together, and guess what?"

"Did they invite you for a threesome?" I roll my eyes, but the question has a serious tone. It's Jackson, right?

"No, Jack, for the love of God!"

"Well, thankfully, they wouldn't be crazy enough to invite you and not me!"

"Jackson?!"

"What?"

"Focus on the gossip!"

"Okay, okay! Go on."

"So, when I went to get the keys from Taeshin, that guy Hajun saw me and talked to me."

"What did he say?"

"First, he asked if it was me, the same one who kissed Hyun-suk yesterday, but he should have already known, because without me answering, he called me Kang's flower right after... Kang's flower! Can you believe that?"

"That's luxurious!"

"Luxurious my foot, dude, get a grip! I'm nobody's flower..."

"I'm the one who's not, unfortunately."

"He said that Hyun-suk spoke very highly of me yesterday... But we only kissed once, what could he possibly have to say about me?"

"Do you even have to ask? You practically lifted your legs to fit better with him!"

"Me?"

"No, Yejun. - I'm sure Jackson rolled his eyes. - I mean, leave my 'Yejunie' out of this."

"Hm..." I laugh, and I'm sure he rolled his eyes again.

"But getting back to it, Hyun-suk had his hand on your butt, a little more, and he would have fucked you right there."

"On my butt?"

"Yep, and it would have been quite a show if you two had taken off your clothes and put on a performance, that's all that was missing."

"You're crazy, seriously. I didn't feel him grabbing my butt like that."

"Of course you didn't, you were too busy shivering from the blond's touch."

I hear a loud laugh on the other end of the line. I wait for Jackson to finish his show and continue.

"Do you think I should call him?"

"You should have called him already."

"And what if I come across as desperate? Or worse, what if he really thinks I'm gay and that I want, you know... to do stuff with him?"

"Friend... you want to do stuff with him, you just haven't admitted it to yourself yet."

"Of course not..."

"Yep, but oh, don't stress about it. Don't label yourself as gay, or anything like that. You don't have to if you don't want to. If you want to call Kang Hyun-Suk, call him. If you want to do things with him, do it. Only you own your life, and only you control your decisions."

Hearing that brought me relief.

Jackson has always been the most straightforward, or the one who acts without thinking, but he has always had the best words in our moments of desperation.

"Alright..." I reply. "I'll think about whether to call or not..."

"Okay, let me know what you decide."

"Sure, thanks for listening."

"That's why I'm your queen, my dear subject, I love helping the poor."

"You should really go screw yourself." I say laughing, sighing as I look at the quiet street. - "And give me back my hoodie, please."

"Do you still really want it?"

"Either you give it back, or I'll shave off your eyebrow."

"I'll sue you."

"I'll shave off the other one!"

Jackson laughs, which amuses me even more.

"But can I get back to what I was doing now?"

"What were you doing?"

"Nothing, and I would very much like to get back to doing that."

I smile, but I nod and say goodbye. Later, I just lay my head on the counter and stay lost in my thoughts for hours, as there aren't many customers in the morning or early afternoon.

By the end of the day, when I glance at the clock in the corner of the wall and see it's almost eight in the evening, I make it a point to count and organize all the cash in the register, and I just wait for my replacement, who happens to be the owner's son.

As soon as he arrives, I hand over the cash and say goodbye. Back at home, in just a few minutes, I'm already on my bed with no clothes on, feeling tired from the day and wondering if I should get up to take a shower or pretend I already did.

In the end, I decide to take a shower. And as I'm drying my freshly washed hair, I see my phone vibrating with a few notifications.

I let it vibrate and flop back onto the bed, staring at the stained ceiling and contemplating how my nineteenth year had arrived in a completely opposite manner than I had imagined when I had just turned eighteen.

Not that I had imagined much. I've never been one to think too much about the future beyond maybe going to college, but I really did think that when I turned nineteen, I would already be in a university pursuing the history degree that had always been my dream.

But if I stop to think about how I envision myself in ten years from now, I definitely won't have a positive outlook on my own life. Maybe I'll still be working at a convenience store counter and have accepted that it's all I can have.

Anyway, after spending a lot of time doing nothing and pondering my frivolous existence, I decide to get up and put on one of my hoodies that, yes, has many holes but is comfortable to sleep in.

I grab my phone and descend the few steps to the living room, then throw myself onto the floor. I turn on the TV, but I'm not even interested in the Korean drama that's playing.

My phone vibrates again with notifications. I huff, finally picking it up to see what the hell everyone is sending me.

|Group: Hubbub, Fun, and Booze|

Taeshin:

|Where are you guys?

Rini:

|I'm at home.

Minah:

|And I'm with her.

Taeshin:

|Let's go out!

Jack:

|No!

Minah:

|Where to?

Taeshin:

|Hajun has a penthouse downtown. He said he could invite his friends if I wanted to invite mine for a private party.

Jack:

|Hm... I'm in.

Minah:

|Where downtown?

Taeshin:

|Same neighborhood as your house.

Jack:

|Not a house, more like a mansion!

Minah:

|Such an exaggeration.

Rini:

|Works for me. I just need some time to get ready.

Minah:

|Yep, we're both naked and sweaty.

Taeshin:

|You two are such naughty ones!

Jack:

|What if his friends are murderers? Or worse, what if they want to sell us into human tra******ng?

Taeshin:

|Hajun is a well-known person, you faker. And one of his friends is Hanguk.

Yejun:

|Oh great...

Jack:

|You convinced me, I'll get ready.

Minah:

|Us too.

Taeshin:

|Great. Yejun? Jaejun?

Yejun:

|Fine... I'm in.

Jack:

|Only the not-so-gay gay guy left to respond.

Taeshin:

|Jaejun?

Jack:

|Is there another option?

Minah:

|I think he's still working.

Taeshin:

|It's 8:30, he only works until eight.

Jack:

|Jaejun?

Yejun:

|Jaejun?!

Rini:

|Jaejun!!!

Jack:

|Jaejun, damn it, show up already!

Jaejun:

|Oh my god, so much noise.

Jack:

|THANK GOD!

Jaejun:

|I'm not going to any damn party.

Taeshin:

|And why not? You're off work, right?

Jaejun:

|Yeah, but I have three damn good reasons not to go.

Jack:

|And what are they?

Jaejun:

|First, it's Monday; second, I don't have clothes ready; and when you say Hajun's friends, that includes Hyun-suk, so no, thanks.

Jack:

|Quit being so dramatic, you messy-haired sausage. Need clothes? I'll lend you some.

Jaejun:

|Your clothes are all full of sequins.

Jack:

|And what's your problem with that? I have this gorgeous jacket I bought with daddy's credit card and haven't even worn yet.

Rini:

|And what don't you buy with daddy's credit card?

Jack:

|Dignity. Tried to buy it for you, but they didn't accept the black card.

Rini:

|Go screw yourself!

Jack:

|Back to the point, the jacket goes well with black pants, and you have those, right?

Taeshin:

|Literally "one”

Jaejun:

|Go screw yourself, Taeshin.

Taeshin:

|That pair of pants is a true warrior, Jae.

Jack:

|Indeed, I think I've seen you wearing it for about three years, but at least it gives you a nice round butt.

Jaejun:

|At least, huh?

Jack:

|Want it?

Jaejun:

|No need, I think I have something good here.

Jack:

|No hoodies, for the love of everything!

Jaejun:

|You guys are so annoying.

Jack:

|And you're assaulting fashion.

I rolled my eyes, getting used to the idea of leaving the house on a Monday evening, right after a day of work. To make matters worse, imaginary letters in my mind were flashing "KANG IS THERE, DAMN IT!"

I shouldn't go.

Jaejun:

|I don't think I should go...

Jack:

|You already said yes, so don't bail out.

Jaejun:

|When did I say yes?

Jack:

|When you said, "I think I have something good here." That's it, you're going.

Jaejun:

Ugh!!!

Yejun:

|I'll need a ride.

Jack:

|I'll pick you up, sweetie, don't worry.

Taeshin:

|Alright, then I'll arrange with Hajun for 11, and I'll swing by Jae's place to lend him a decent outfit.

Jaejun:

|But I said I have something good here.

Taeshin:

|Sure. You just have hoodies.

Jaejun:

|And the black pants ha ha ha

Taeshin:

|You're laughing at your own situation.

Jaejun:

|Am I supposed to cry? At least I'm not naked.

Taeshin:

|Can you guys meet me at this guy's place?

Jack:

|Sure.

Rini:

|See you there, you erratic bitches.

Taeshin:

|Your ass is the erratic one!

These are my friends...

I huff, tossing my phone onto the couch and crossing my arms, utterly annoyed. There's no way I'm going to the same place as Kang Hyun-Suk...

He'll want to kiss me, and I won't even be able to say no because I'll want to kiss him too.

And what if he asks me why I didn't call him? Sure, it's only been a day, but what if he's been thinking about me as much as I've been thinking about him?

Not that it's my fault I've been thinking so much, but I couldn't help it.

I just think about what he said, and then the way he approached me comes to mind, his voice, his touch, his kiss... All done so calmly, yet so mind-bending.

I didn't want to run away from him, and that's what scares me.

What if I don't want to run away again? Actually, upon reflection, I think I really don't.

But it scares me because I've spent my whole life fleeing, full of uncertainties, and the first time I didn't feel fear, I was kissed by a man in the calmest and most wonderful way possible.

I didn't run away from Hyun-suk because his touch was firm enough that, for those moments, I felt like myself.

It's crazy, I know. I don't even know what to think about my own life and experiences, let alone someone else's.