Chapter 3

The drive was silent and depressing. She continuously tapped on the driver’s seat while she thought about everything. It happened so fast. One thing they sat under a blazing night sky, drinking and dancing. The next thing, she was alone again. Only this time, she was mourning.

She continuously eyed the blood-stained handkerchief. It reminded her so much of him. Everything did. This goddamn car did. She couldn’t help it anymore. She swerved the car into a mall car park.

Now that she thought of it. The handkerchief looked strange. She just noticed there were writings in it. She opened it up. It had a writing that seemed rough. She brought it to the sunlight to get a better view.

“Hey babe, I left you something inside the car pigeonhole. I just hope you feel my words from deep within your soul. I love you,” it read.

She wiped off her tears once more. She was scared. She had the right to be. What was she going to find there?

She stretched out her shaking hand and pulled the handle of the door to the little compartment open. A letter fell out. She bent to pick it up and noticed stains of blood. It was his.

“Please, don’t do this to me,” she whimpered.

Blazing hearts,

Not many people will understand how I’ve died internally and come back to the same miserable life a hundred times in one lifetime. You were my sail in my stormy life. I hope your love guides my soul to a better place.

I guess I won’t be the one to take that vow with you on the altar. I couldn’t even keep my promise. Do you Remember? The one we made when your parents disowned you. We promised to never leave each other. I have caused you nothing but misery.

I feel so weak. I had no home to run to except for your arms. We had little to eat, but we were so happy. I remember coming home one night to see you cry. I didn’t know what to do. We toiled day and night. It hurt so hard. I cried to a God I don’t know if I even believed in.

You took the best part of my heart, but this cancer left the rest in pieces. Six feet never felt so far as I lay on this hospital bed. I don’t get to see the stars from my room, but whenever you come back exhausted, it shatters me, but still, you find a way to light me up. As we danced, you couldn’t even realize you were dancing with a ghost.

I had already lost my sense of taste and feel. Every time you cleaned me up, my heart shattered even more. I had difficulty speaking, but I tried my best because it made you laugh. My eyesight was worse, it is a miracle I could see your face tonight. Breathing was painful. The most torture of them all was at night. My back felt as though the whole world cursed at my existence. As though a million daggers were pierced through my skin.

I am dying. Screaming at the world. Heaven only knows my destination from here. I stayed up every night to watch you sleep.

You never got a chance to say your last goodbye. I couldn’t bring myself to face you. Does that mean I lied to you till my death? I don’t want to think I did. I like to think I held on longer because of you. I never wanted you to see me in pain. I curse my birthplace every time I see you cry.

I knew I was going to die. I had to move on, but I never wanted to spend my last moments alone in silence. I wanted to share my last breath with you.

Under that blazing night sky, you shone more than a million stars. You’re really cute, I must admit. I hoped every moment you looked at me. I hope you saw my love for you. On that night, your red hair blazed like rays of sunlight. It was rosy at the beginning. I am sorry I couldn’t be your number one.

Maybe I wasn’t made for this world. Bury the ring I gave to you with me and hold on to the ring you have given to me. I will find you, my love.

How can you still love me? I know you declined the only chance you had to leave this shit hole. You always said you wanted to be a designer. I want you to live your dream. I will always believe in you. I will find you.

I hope my words pierce through your heart and write on your soul. I didn’t want to hurt you, but see how deep the wound lies. It’s you and I. We are not built for this world. Most especially, I wasn’t born with any luck in this life, but you are a good luck charm on your own.

Now, I’m locked away from the freezing cold. When I am hidden in the earth, the world would repent and mourn me, but where were they when I was lonely? I can’t tell if this life is old. I died young, but I feel old. I don’t want to swim in cold purgatory forever so pray for my soul. Whenever winter comes, I hope you forget this night. I hope a good soul keeps you warm. I know I have scattered your heart. I can’t even hear your cries now I’m gone. If I fall, let me go. If I falter, let me know. You used to be my sail in my stormy life now I am all alone. I have fought life for far too long. I don’t want to fight the tide anymore.

If I could, I would make a deal with the heavens and come back for you.

I want you to be happy and chase your dream. It won’t be easy now, but you have to. I have left all my life savings in an envelope in this box. Use it to bury me and leave this town.

You looked so perfect standing next to the stars. I took a photo of that blazing night. Treasure our photos as you treasure our memories.

I don’t want you to hold on to everything dead and gone. I am dead and gone, too. I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to you physically cause this one is forever.

I’ve got my eye on you; not even death can stop that. I love you, Phoenix. Be free, heal, and believe. I guess I can’t be your number one Layla. I love you so much. This is my final goodbye until we meet in the heavenly alignment of stars. Goodbye.

Yours,

Sammy.

Tap, tap. Someone was tapping on her car glass. It was the park guard. She lowered the glass to hear what he had to say. It looked like she had cried till she had blacked out. She picked up the letter once more and cried once more. She traced her finger across the blood stains. He must have been in so much pain.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” said another across the street. Sammy was right. The world mourned him after his death.

She had a private burial that evening. Every ounce of strength held her from crawling into his coffin. Her everything. He had no relatives. They were alone to themselves once again. She threw a rose and watched as it rested across his lips. Those lips made her happy once. True love hurts and never lasts. She watched as Mother Earth embraced him.

“You’re not going to feel alone any longer,” she said in a broken voice. She crouched down and buried an envelope. An envelope that held her goodbye letter with his ring tied to the edge of it. A letter that cost her so much peace. She couldn’t sleep anymore.

She had come back to her parent’s home to get her remaining bags. She was leaving for New York City tonight. Far away from this shit hole. Far from the gossip town of Lewisburg, her parents and unending reminders of Sammy.

The sound of the keys hitting the dining table downstairs reminded her to get going. She picked up her bags and kissed her little sister goodbye. The innocence her eyes held. It broke her heart the more as she thought about leaving her.

“Don’t be silly, Layla. We said we were sorry. You can come back, and we will live as a happy family once more. If it’s love you want, we could get you a man. You’re also going to need some money for your schooling, right? We would get you a rich man,” cried her mother.

She brought her lips up to her lips. “Shhh, hear yourself, mother,” said Layla as she walked past her father. He jumped up, trying to grab her. She quickly dodged. “I hope you both have a good life. Don’t sell my sister out for money. There are some middle-class families out there that love their kids; you should learn from them,” said Layla as she got to the door. Her sister was down the stairs now.

Her mother had a hurt expression spread across her face. Her father had his grip tight around a newspaper. A perfect family. Yes, this picture was perfect. I will be the black sheep, she thought as she slammed the door of her Volvo and drove off her family’s yard.

She screamed curses at people who had mocked her. She screamed curses at the world. She screamed curses on death. She wasn’t sure when she would be back.

It was going to be a long journey to New York. She would drive there. She had no plans to sell the car. It held many memories in it. She couldn’t leave it with her family either. This was the best way.

Goodbye.