Chapter 2

As the minutes pass and everyone seems to be returning to their usual selves, I see them heading to the dance floor, while I prefer to stay put where I am. It's strange because I get a slight shiver as I take the last sip of my beer and feel all my little hairs stand on end.

I have the sensation that I'm being watched, and it's not new. It's annoying because it's always like this, even when I'm out on the street. I feel odd walking alone because it always seems like the people around me have their fingers pointing at my face, dictating all my mistakes and imperfections, but I know it's all in my mind, and that annoys me. I just wish it would stop.

Sometimes, I feel the urge to break free, to let loose a bit like I see my friends doing in public settings, but then this feeling always comes up, and everything becomes withdrawn within me.

However, with this strong sensation within me, I decide to look around, and that's when I notice a blonde-haired woman looking at me. When our gazes meet, she winks at me and I feel myself trembling.

Automatically, I become nervous. And for two reasons.

The first is that I don't know how to flirt. In my entire life, I've flirted with a grand total of zero people, and even when I lost my virginity to my cousin “at a Christmas dinner we had at an aunt's house in Busan” I couldn't say a single word.

So you might be thinking: How did this crazy guy even get to the part where he had sex, right?

It was simple. My cousin came up to me while I was secretly drinking a bit of wine away from my dad's sight and said, "Want to have sex?"

I just nodded, even though I wasn't really sure if I wanted to.

But if she wanted to have sex with me, it meant she liked me, right?

At least that's what I thought at that moment.

And it wasn't that complicated, actually. At first, she kissed me and my penis got somewhat hard.

The problem was just my complete lack of experience. I didn't know where to put my hands or even how to talk dirty to set the mood. I just stood there, frozen, and let my cousin do whatever she wanted.

And to avoid letting my nervousness get in the way, I tried not to look at her face. It was weird. Maybe that was actually the biggest problem. I couldn't focus on her face, or her breasts, or even the moans. Everything makes me nervous and wanting to escape from there.

What happened in the end was that she pretended to have reached her climax and left. I knew it was fake because she didn't even give me a kiss afterward or say goodbye. She didn't even care about my unresponsive penis.

And to this day, she has never spoken to me again.

But it was from that day on that I started wondering if I liked girls because I never felt what they say you feel when you're attracted to someone. But then I think, my penis got hard, that must mean something, right? And then I get lost in my thoughts as a practically virgin man, with no experiences and no certainties.

And maybe I really am gay. I've never been with a man, or even used the pink dildo I have in the drawer where you should be, but I've also never felt compelled to make that discovery. At least, not yet.

I see it as something relative, a detail in my stagnant and emotionless life that I'm in no rush to discover just yet.

But okay, let's get back to the blonde girl who can't stop staring at me.

The first point has already been made. I don't know how to flirt. The second is a bit more complicated. I don't want to flirt with her.

I only got nervous because I notice that with the little smile she gave when she noticed me looking, she's getting closer and closer to me, and my desperation increases so much that, without thinking, I grab the hand of the first person nearby and run away from there.

The victim this time? Luckily, it's Rini. Imagine if it were a stranger?

She walks with me without asking anything, but her gaze clearly asks what the hell I'm doing.

When I stop, finally taking a deep breath, she continues to stare at me.

"Are you going to explain what just happened now, or do you want a punch for pulling me just when I was flirting with my girlfriend, who's dancing like a goddess on that dance floor?"

"Sorry," I scratch my neck, feeling a bit embarrassed, but I look ahead. "I was just desperate."

The girl is still looking at me, but she seems to give up when she sees me with Rini, then she goes back to where she was.

Phew.

"Desperate?" I hear Rini ask.

"I had a girl flirting with me and she was walking towards me. I got flustered!"

Rini squints her eyes, as if analyzing me.

"Let's go to the bar, I want to buy cigarettes," she says, pulling me along.

"That's deadly! You'll die if you keep smoking!"

"Ah, Jaejun, everyone will die someday," she rolls her eyes. "But tell me, why did you run away from the girl? Didn't you like her?"

"I don't know," I'm honest. "I just felt like running." I smile.

"You'll stay a virgin if you keep running like that."

I deny it, seeing her order her favorite brand of cigarettes. If I could, I'd grab that and throw it on the ground, stomp on it and ruin it completely.

But Rini punches really hard, I've felt it and I don't want to feel it again.

I've warned her that it's bad, the package has all the nasty things it causes, but if she keeps going, it's because she knows what she's doing to her own health, I can't stop her.

She asks if I want a drink and I nod, asking for another tasty beer, and of course, she pays.

When we return to the table, I sigh, noticing how complicated it is to be like everyone else. I mean, they flirt, they kiss, and I run away...

I remain pensive as I enjoy my beer. But I see Jackson approaching and hear his voice when he says:

"There's a hot guy checking you out."

I furrow my brow immediately.

"What? A guy?"

He laughs and denies it while staring at me, but discreetly points to the other side of the club.

I see the guy again, Hanguk, but he's looking around with a certain impatience in his expression. I look at the tall guy next to him, and upon closer inspection, I focus on Taeshin and see him biting the straw between his lips, evidently flirting with him.

"It's for Taeshin," I warn.

"I'm not talking about Hajun. I'm talking about Hyun-suk. Kang Hyun-Suk."

Once again, I look in that direction and swallow hard when I notice how the guy, Kang, is staring at me without even blinking.

Oh my goodness.

"My goodness..." I whisper in disbelief. More unbelievably, I'm feeling... strange?

I mean, my body isn't frozen. On the contrary, I turn to face him, unable to stop looking at him.

"You like him, huh?" Yejun asks.

"Of course not, Jae," I try to play it off. "I just felt like running." I smile.

I see my other friends exchange quiet laughs, but my goodness, I really can't even look away to ask them to stop.

"I'm going to get the brown-skinned guy," Taeshin announces beside me. "I'm going to have a blast fucking him."

"You should be just a little less transparent, Yejun," Jackson looks at him, making him laugh.

"Sorry, he's just so hot and he's hitting on me."

"Hajun is cute, but he's not all that," Jack says. "Hanguk is hotter."

"Oh, there we go, just what I needed to hear..." Yejun rolls his eyes.

"Your taste is like your ass, it's yours alone," Taeshin retorts to Jack, and I even laugh, finally looking away from Kang. "I liked him."

I try not to be obvious and take another sip of my beer, but I casually glance in his direction again, and he's still looking at me, even smiling this time.

I wonder again: why don't I want to run?

My friends continue with their nonsense, and I even see them having a silly competition to see who can drink a shot of vodka the fastest.

I see Rini hugging Minah by the waist and heading to the dance floor with Jackson and Taeshin.

Yejun stays with me, sipping his bitter and awful beer, and it's only after a long sip that I hear him sigh loudly.

I look at him, and he's watching Jackson dance.

"Why don't you invite him to dance?" I dare to ask. It's not good to see both of them wanting each other and just sighing and staring from a distance.

He diverts his attention to me, and after a few seconds, looks back at Jackson.

"I need to stop liking him," he says. "Jackson clearly doesn't like me in that way, but look at me, I'm pathetic... I keep watching him from afar, getting jealous because he's hitting on the rich guy."

"Yejun, Jack is into you."

"Of course not, Jae. He doesn't even look at me properly, I think... you know, we're not compatible."

"Don't you dare say it's because you don't have a penis, or I'll punch you," I threaten, stepping in front of him. "You know very well he doesn't care about that."

"That's what he says, but do you really think he'd want to be with me?"

"Of course he would, and if it's about sex, there are ways for you to be the top too, everyone ends up happy in the end."

Yejun laughs out loud as I furrow my brow again.

"You use a lot of curse words when you're drinking, you know that?"

"Don't change the subject." I pout, squinting my eyes. "If you keep on like this, just lamenting, he'll end up with the rich guy. But he doesn't like the rich guy." I raise an eyebrow, crossing my arms.

"Sorry for just lamenting like this," he says, lowering his head. I drop my pout and sigh.

"He really likes you, and oh, I'm speaking with certainty here, you know." I smile.

"I know... maybe I'll talk to him later, but only if he doesn't go somewhere else with the tall guy, okay?"

I just shake my head and return to sipping my beer. There's no use encouraging someone who's this stubborn. At least I tried.

At the moment, a song is playing that I don't even know the name of, but my friends are really into it in the center of the dance floor.

I see the guy Hajun approaching, and without words, he just smiles and joins Taeshin. Both of them lock eyes, exchanging smiles that say a lot. Taeshin wets his lips before simply diving into a kiss with him.

I widen my eyes. How is it that easy? Well, that's how they make it seem, at least. And they keep kissing, and the others don't seem to care, as they continue dancing.

"Taeshin is practical, I like that," Yejun says. "I wish I could be like that too..."

"Then just be like that, Yejun." I try to encourage him again, but it's no use, because Yejun just nods and remains in the same spot.

"I'm scared," I hear him admit.

"Scared of what?"

"Of getting rejected and then seeing him getting all cozy with that Kim guy."

I unintentionally burst out laughing. The way Yejun talks, all sulky and head over heels for Jack, is pretty cute.

The night goes on without any clear order. Finally, I succumb to my friends who pull me into the center of the dance floor, and maybe drinking my beer has also helped me loosen up a bit.

I dance and smile to the beat of "Thief," one of my favorite songs. My friends are all around, but the atmosphere the music creates is so intense that I close my eyes and feel the music, slowly raising my arms to the rhythm of the beats, immersing myself and overcoming my shyness, releasing the relentless desire to feel like myself, even just a little bit, while surrounded by those I can trust.

When I open my eyes again, sighing at how good the feeling is, I notice my friends forming groups. Taeshin is still dancing and kissing Hajun. Yejun smiles shyly and lightly hugs Jackson's waist as they passionately kiss. Rini and Minah are dancing together, and it's only then that I realize I'm the only one without a partner, standing alone in the midst of everyone.

This makes me a little sad.

And no, this isn't a real problem, okay? I'm already kind of used to not having my own partner, but come on, the universe could at least send me someone to kiss tonight, don't you think?

And someone who I wouldn't run away from or panic... because I'm fed up.

When I see Taeshin smile at the guy who whispers something in his ear, I know it's some dirty stuff. He takes Hajun's hand and walks past me, heading to the exit that leads to the parking lot.

And I'm still here, alone...

I look around with the feeling of being watched again. I know who's looking at me, I'm not stupid. I take my gaze to the Kang Hyun-suk guy and realize that, yes, he's looking at me, casually sipping on some drink.

But his gaze doesn't last long. He shifts his attention to a group of people and stands up to talk to a guy who might be my age and has just walked in. I sigh. He's just one more who got tired of me before I could even get tired of him.

All normal.

And it's not like I had developed any interest in him, it's not that. I just wished he'd actually look at me...

Being observed by someone with a desire-filled look like his, it does wonders for your self-esteem sometimes, you know?

I walk back to the table, now alone, and I realize I need another beer. I search my pockets and find a few coins at the bottom, counting them. I realize the extent of my failure when on my own birthday, I don't even have enough money for my own beer.

I look around and see Minah approaching with her girlfriend. I'm quick to stash away the coins I have and smile when they both stop by my side.

"Tired already?" Minah asks.

"A little bit..." I lie.

"I'm going to get another drink," Rini says. "Do you want anything?" she asks both of us. Minah says she'll have a new cocktail, but I say they don't need to worry about it. But I think they know me so well that they know the answer is only because I don't have money.

"I'll bring you a fresh beer too," she warns before leaving. I laugh embarrassedly, but I don't stop her from doing it.

"Are you having fun on your day?" Minah asks.

I nod.

Jackson said that Hyun-suk was looking at you, is it true?

She looked at him still embarrassed, and I shrugged.

"I don't know who you're talking about..." I play dumb, of course.

"Kang Hyun-Suk, he's friends with Hanguk and Sun Hajun," she speaks calmly. "The blond guy over there, you know?" and then she points.

My vision shifts again to the other side of the club and then fixates on the man. As before, he still doesn't look at me because he's talking to someone else.

"Ah... if he looked at me, I didn't notice."

"He's a catch, but I've never seen him in relationships. You know, he's one of my father's investors, and he's an heir to a huge fortune. I don't even know why he's here in this place."

I try to seem uninterested in the topic, but it's almost impossible.

"He never dates?" I ask.

"Is that the only thing you're interested in?" she laughs. "Typically, heirs don't date. But I think I saw him with a woman once, some sort of engagement? I can't remember, it was a really long time ago."

"Ah..." I nod, sneaking a glance at him, seeing that the man he was talking to turns his back and leaves. I hope to see him follow suit, but he doesn't.

"What do you think he's doing in a place like this?" Minah asks again. "I can't even imagine."

"But I can!" Taeshin, who appeared out of nowhere by our side, says with a grin, sucking on a lollipop. "I heard he came to hunt."

I furrow my brow.

"Where were you?"

"Getting a blowjob in the parking lot," he says calmly.

"What do you mean by 'hunting'?" Minah asks, as if the word "blowjob" was just any piece of information.

"He's hunting for a new soul to satisfy his desires and needs," Taeshin laughs, twirling the candy on his lips.

"Did you say blowjob?" I inquire, widening my eyes.

"Yeah, he sucked me off."

"What do you mean, Taeshin? You don't even know that guy!"

"Relax, I used a condom."

"Condom for a blowjob?" I place my hands on my waist.

"Yeah, Jae, it works too, you know? Like you said, I don't know him, and it's always good to avoid any kind of disease. But I wouldn't turn down a blowjob from that hottie."

"Oh... I see. And, um, how does that work?"

"You want to know how Hajun sucks?" he smirks.

"No, for heaven's sake! I want to know how... the blowjob, um, works..."

"Oh, you just put on the condom as you normally would." he shrugs. "The sensation changes a bit, but it's still good." he winks.

"Let's talk about what matters." Minah calls our attention. "Explain this hunting thing properly, Tae!"

Taeshin laughed, then leaned over the table.

"I didn't quite understand, but Hajun said that Hyun-suk came to meet 'a new guy.' Those were his words."

"It must be the same guy I saw him talking to." I comment.

"So you were observing him, huh? Hm..."

I roll my eyes at Taeshin and instinctively look over to where Hyun-suk is. He's now talking to Hajun, who's smiling even more than before.

When Rini returns with the new drinks, I thank her as she hands me a can of beer.

They head back to the dance floor and pull me along. At this point, I have no idea where Jackson and Yejun are, but I don't bother trying to find them to check if they're okay, because they're definitely making out in some dark corner of this place.

"Don't Start Now" is playing at a deafening volume. I smile as the chorus comes in and, as usual, I try to do the embarrassing choreography I learned from watching videos on the internet along with all my friends who love embarrassing themselves.

My eyes always close in moments when I feel light. I always feel everything so intensely when I'm with them, and it's no different as I open my eyes again and see everyone around me, jumping, singing, and having fun.

I sing along with Taeshin and laugh cheerfully. However, my treacherous eyes once again scan the crowd, and still smiling, I search for him and find him again. But this time, he's looking at me.

I can't look away. I don't know why, but I simply can't look away.