My Sleepless Nights

“For Christ’s sake, please… please stop! Stop messing with me… stay the fuck away from me!”

I hardly hit my head, using both my hands; I even forcefully pulled my own hair. In every hit and pull, I could feel the cold sweat dripping throughout my head, neck, and body. The air outside was a cold, freezing breeze, as the rain was heavily falling, but because of her—because of this bitch—I was feeling like this… I was experiencing this. She was so much stronger than before, much stronger than I was right now. It seemed like she sucked out all of my strength, to the point that I could not even walk normally.

“I’m begging you, Lianna, please… please stop…”

I fell to the floor with both my hands on my head. I kept on hitting my head, pulling my hair, and pinching my arm and leg muscles so that I would not fall asleep.

I looked around my room, searching for something to dispel the drowsiness I was feeling. My room was dark; the electricity was out because of the storm. I could still see how messy it was; almost everything that should’ve been on my desk was on the floor, and the wires were forming some kind of web because they were entangled with each other. The light from my phone’s flash, lying on my bed, illuminated the chaos. My room became this messy because I bumped my head and body multiple times in the different corners to stop myself from falling asleep.

My eyes widened as I spotted scissors under my study desk. But I immediately hesitated about what I had just thought of doing. Should… should I really hurt myself so that I could prevent myself from sleeping?

I was beside the door, so I still had to crawl to reach for the scissors under my desk. Trying to fight the sleepiness, I breathed in deeply, slapped both my cheeks, and then crawled to my desk.

As my hand reached the scissors, I composed myself. I breathed deeply once again, closed my eyes, and pep-talked myself.

“You have no choice, Les. This is the only way you can stay awake. You can… you can do this, Les. You can do this…” Tears fell through my eyes as I said those lines. My voice even broke because of crying.

Even though my eyes were already closed, I still decided to close them even more as I readied my hand to hurt myself with the scissors, as if doing so would help me lessen the pain that I knew I was going to feel as I stuck the scissors in my thigh.

“Leslie, you… you can do this…” My voice was shaking. I was already sobbing, too. My emotions were all over the place—I was mad, sad, scared… I could not even feel what emotion I was feeling the most.

“Lianna, please… I am fucking begging you. Just… just please don’t do this… please…”

As sweat continuously dripped from my head and body, tears were also falling down my cheeks. My face was all wet because of the sweat and tears—I could even taste the mixture of sweat and tears in my mouth.

I was already tired—tired of fighting, tired of trying to survive. But I must not give up. I must continue fighting for my loved ones—for my brother, for Jessie and my other friends, and, of course, for Raven.

In every move I made, trying to crawl to my desk, I screamed while crying just so I could awaken myself… just so I could get sober from this drowsiness that I was feeling. Every time that I could feel my eyes already closing, I would pinch both my brows and slap both my cheeks.

“I won’t let you do this, Lianna. I won’t let you own my body… I won’t let you be in control of my body!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as tears continuously fell down my cheeks.

When I finally reached my study desk, I immediately grabbed the scissors and gathered all my courage. I breathed in deeply, closed my eyes, and slowly raised my hand that was holding the scissors. I counted in my head.

1… 2… 3…

“Oh, god!” I grunted as the scissors dashed through my left thigh. I wasn’t able to put all the force I could apply, but the scissors were able to leave a big but shallow wound.

Because I felt like the pain that I was feeling at that time was not enough to make me feel awakened, I also pinched the wound hard, which made it release a lot more blood and made me feel more pain. I even hit the wound hard right after pinching it, and after doing so, I finally felt like I was awake. No more drowsiness… no more sleepiness.

“I told you, Lianna. I told you… I won’t let you get what you want. Ever.” I laughed out loud. That laugh contained two specific emotions—happiness and fear. Happiness because I was able to survive when I thought I wasn’t going to, and fear because I knew that what I was currently feeling at the moment was just temporary. I knew that after hours, I might feel sleepy again, and even if I didn’t, I also knew that with no sleep, my brain and my immunity would slowly deteriorate.

I stood up and went to my restroom to get my first aid kit so that I could clean the wound in my left thigh that was still continuously bleeding. As I was walking to the restroom, I suddenly remembered the pills that Auntie Penny gave me last week. The pills that would help me stay awake. I could not remember the specific name of these pills, but Auntie had told me they were anti-sleep pills—pills that would help me stay awake. Before I could forget it, I immediately drank three pills, grabbed my first aid kit, and then went back to my room so I could clean my bleeding wound and put a bandage on it.

Because it was still dark as the electricity still hadn’t come back, I opened my phone’s flash and then put it on the phone stand that was beside my vanity mirror so that I would be able to see myself clearly.

I sat at the corner of my bed and opened my first aid kit. I looked at my face first and saw some small wounds. I cleaned all of them, and as the alcohol dried, I immediately put some band-aids on them. After that, I looked around my body to check if there were other wounds that I was not able to notice, and there were none, so I proceeded to clean and bandage the big wound in my left thigh, which I got from the scissors. I could not help but groan a bit because of the sting that I was feeling from the alcohol.

As far as I could remember, today’s my fifth day of having no sleep… and it was my first time hurting myself because I felt like it was the only thing that was left to do as it was also my first time experiencing such kind of sleepiness where even though I was already doing everything I could to stay awake, I was still feeling drowsy.

I was doing all these things because I must not fall asleep. Because once I did, Lianna would take over my body. She would be the one to own this body… she would be the one in control. She’s so enraged… she’s so mad at me. She’s already so desperate because stealing my body from me and taking control over my body was the only way she could live… the only way she could be with Raven. If that happens, I don’t know what will happen to me… to my soul.

The electricity came back right after I bandaged my wound. My phone then rang multiple times as it received the messages once it was connected to our home’s Wi-Fi. I immediately checked all the messages I had just received, and most of them were from Jessie, my best friend. There were also messages from my older brother, Lance, and from Raven, but I did not open them yet as I felt like I needed to reply to Jessie first. She’s worried about me, for sure, as she was the only one who currently knew about my current situation… about me not sleeping and about Lianna trying to gain control of my body.

Jessie Bestie: girl, why the heck aren’t u answering my calls? have u fallen asleep already? PLEASE TELL ME U R NOT SLEEPING

Jessie Bestie: reply ASAP. I am really really worried!!!

Jessie Bestie: LESLIE WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU, PLS ANSWER MY CALL!!!!

Jessie Bestie: GURL I WANT TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE TO CHECK ON YOU BUT IT’S RAINING HEAVILY HUHUHU PLS JUST REPLY TO ME AND PLS TELL ME YOU ARE STILL YOU.

Jessie Bestie: I’m scared and worried, Les. pls reply now!! I don’t know what to do anymore huhu I don’t know if I should tell this to Raven or to your brother… pls pls tell me you’re okay. pls tell me that bitch Lianna’s already gone. PLS REPLY, LESLIE

I was about to type my reply, but then I got dizzy and fell to the ground. I tried standing up, but as I did, I felt like the world around me was spinning… like some kind of earthquake was happening, so I fell to the ground once more.

I closed my eyes, breathed deeply, and then shook my head. After doing so, I tried to stand up again, and this time, the spinning that I was feeling became worse. Besides that spinning, I also started to feel sleepy again. The next thing I knew, my head hit the desk, and my ribs hit the bed frame.

I tried standing up once more, but I couldn’t. My body felt so weak.

I tried to hurt myself. I tried to shake my head, but I could not do anything.

My eyes started to close slowly… and the next thing I knew, I was already asleep.

As I fell asleep, I felt myself plunging into some kind of nothingness… like I fell into a deep well that had no water inside it. It was so dark, so deep. I could not even see a thing.

“Where the heck am I?” I screamed, and it echoed.

No one responded.

I tried screaming the same words again, but again, no one responded. I tried a lot more times, but I still got nothing.

After almost half an hour, I assumed, I felt something move. After a few seconds, I saw some reflection of light coming from afar, and there, I saw something from someone’s eye perspective. Like I was watching a movie where the camera’s perspective was the main character’s point of view.

After a few seconds, I realized that what I was seeing was our house. Did Lianna succeed? Was this thing I was seeing from her point of view? Was… was she controlling my body already?

I could not help but feel nervous and, of course, mad.

“Lianna… if this is you controlling my body… then you… you should fucking stop!” I screamed, and it echoed.

I heard a laugh—a laugh that was very identical to mine.

I tried to run and jump so that I could come out of this hellhole… but as I did, nothing happened. I just stayed in the same position.

I could feel her standing up, and then I saw her sit on my swivel chair and look into the mirror.

I was right. Lianna had already gained control of my body. I saw myself, but I could see in those eyes that it was not me. I knew it was Lianna.

“Fuck you, Lianna! Fuck you!” I screamed so loud.

“Your body’s mine now, Leslie.” She laughed out loud. I never thought there would be a time when I would hate my own laugh. She sounded a lot like me, but it was very different.